Friendship dreams

I had another bad dream last night. These don't happen too often - but they do occur when I feel bad about certain friendships. Actually, the older I get, the less I dwell on not making time to hang out with people. But I think my dreams are less forgiving with me. And it's not necessarily with the people I see on a regular basis or those people I rarely see who are great to see no matter how long we haven't seen each other. The issues I have are with those around me who are more sensitive, high maintenance, or naturally jerky. These vivid dreams put me in awkward situations with past friends who I'm no longer in good terms with.

They're horrible dreams. I get stuck in a world where we're being nice to each other on the surface - but I'm just wanting to get as far away from them as possible. I accept that people come and go in my life life. I do try to hold on to those friends who have a positive impact on my life - no matter how small or large the influence. But maybe there's a part of me that feels guilty about losing those people who I no longer want to deal with. Is it closure I need?

I tried to meet up with one of those people for lunch in December. Damn Facebook. Keeps me connected with friends... but also finds me in touch with frenemies. We made plans when I was in one of my better "yeah-let's-hangout-together" moods. But I ended up cancelling on the guy 'cause I needed to work instead. But now that I've cancelled, I don't think I'll reschedule. Why go through that awkwardness? I'm completely uncomfortable around the guy 'cause, I really feel like I tried to save our friendship years ago by being open and he never reciprocated back. Life is too short to be macho-macho-man. To me, a close friend should be able to tell me if I've done something to hurt them while also listening and understanding to any issues I might have with them. None of this happened with us. He just pretty much dismissed anything I had to say. I'm not a bottle-it-up-inside guy. I don't pretend "it" never happened. I don't need anyone to change their ways. But I need us to talk it out. And I guess that's why we were never truly close friends. We had completely different philosophies on how our friendships should be.

He and his wife were in my dreams last night. She was truly bitchy and he was laughing it up the entire time. Truly, truly awkward. I think I might continue to have those dreams as long as I hang on to the past. I think that's what I'm doing inside. I had the worst relationship ever with my ex-girlfriend. But we talked years later and left that all in the past. Though it had ended badly, we were able to accept that we weren't meant for each other and expressed that openly to each other. Since that time, she has never ever been in any of my dreams. But I won't ever be able to do that with these old friends. Maybe that's the closure I need... to just accept that that's the way it is.